Jealous No More and Other Thoughts

I’m going to be honest.

I used to be jealous of happy couples.  I would almost feel pain when I saw their affectionate interactions.  I wanted that connection, I wanted that companionship, I wanted that love.

But, now, I don’t feel that longing, that overwhelming feeling of solitude.  God finally got it through my thick skull that I have something better.  I still feel that I was specifically created to be a helpmate and wife, but I have peace that I can get by without being in a relationship of that type because my fulfillment comes from serving God, not being someone’s significant other.

Plus, I don’t want someone else’s relationship.  I don’t want a relationship just to be in a relationship.  I want a God-planned, God-centered, God-timed romance-partnership that we call marriage.  When God wants me to enter into that kind of commitment, He’ll make it happen.  Until then, I content my heart in Him.

I need to be truly content, not, “I should be focusing on God, so there. *foot stomp*”  but, instead, “I rejoice in my Lord because He has my heart.  When He wants to give it to someone, that’s His call, not mine. *true smile of inner peace that passes understanding down in my heart*”

I just noticed this culmination of growth in myself last week, so yay for self-evaluations! 😆


This epiphany leads me to another evaluation, this time of what main points God has been showing me over the past year of my life, ones that I think have led up to this realization. (Milestones often evoke this type of reflection in me, haha).

The 17th year of my life (when I was 16… think about it) (2016-2017) was one of the most painful — but most rewarding — years of my life. I am almost a completely different person than I was because God has taught me SO MUCH.  Unfortunately (?), I had to learn most of the lessons the hard way after I tried to do things my way.

I’ve learned… (NOT a comprehensive list, which should give you an idea of the scale of character growth that went on this year)

  • To cherish relationships, but also to not rush things.  Let God work on His timetable and no one less people get hurt.
  • God has a much better plan for me than whatever I could have dreamed up, even if I don’t see how in the world! it is better for me.  And I don’t mean “better for me” like broccoli is better for me than ice cream, I mean that it’s better for me because I discover that I really like carrots, which are a way better snack than Skittles for my body.  Please tell me that made sense.
  • To let God have His way in me and through me and not to try to do things MY way instead.  Letting Him initiate things has 100% of the time worked better than when I try to push my own agenda.
  • How rewarding putting time into relationships can be, and how amazing it is to have God-centered relationships, whether it be with my parents, friends, or even guys.
  • That God knows.  I was going to make that a longer, more specific sentence, but I think it stands alone.  He knows what it’s like to be in charge of a group of people who can’t follow or listen to instructions without being told 4 times (#rabbilife #counselorlife).  He knows what it’s like to pray because you have no other, no better option.  He knows what it’s like to have people depending on you, and you cannot let them down.  He knows what it’s like to love the outcast.  He knows what it’s like to be the outcast.  Guys, He. Knows.
  • To high-five strangers.  Yup.  So many times…
  • That people don’t really notice you as much as you think they do.  But also that they care much more about you than you could ever imagine.  Weird, but true.  Thus, you can be yourself: When I am bored, I like to wiggle my arms like Henry the Octopus sped up like The Flash doing the arm breakdance thing where you start with your hand and it travels to your shoulder… you get the picture.  So, I do that thing.  At camp, the rest of the staff knew about my dancing problems that I did this, and sometimes one of the other counselors, Desiree, would do it back to me like a secret code for “I acknowledge you and I sympathize.”  Yeaaaahhh.  She didn’t like me less because I was goofy, she just took it in stride.  That’s how you know your true friends.  (They can just smile back too. 🙂 )
  • God doesn’t make mistakes.  Ever.  Everyone I met this summer was put in my life for a purpose.  Even the things that went “wrong” were for a purpose to accomplish good in my life or create great memories. (funny how that happens…)
  • Sometimes hard decisions aren’t so hard if you are willing to follow God’s prompting.

Hopefully you can resonate with at least one of these points, or that one encourages you. 🙂

-Syd the Squid

 

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The amazing (if I do say so myself) summer staff of Camp Gilead 2017, who God used to facilitate a lot of my growth (hence most of this list of points) this summer.  ❤ ❤ ❤

 

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